I am very excited to be exploring myself deeper within my music. I have at times tried to think about myself on this level and even have another blog in which I tried to write about my playing and myself as a musician and educator, but I never got the place I wanted to be. I'm hoping through this blog and throughout the semester I will learn more about the person I am and the musician I am. So here goes the first blog!
Concentration: Do I struggle to stay focused when performing? Can I keep my awareness where I want it to be even during performance? Do I lack a wide enough awareness to keep track of everything I am trying to keep track of?
- There are times during my practicing that I am very unfocused. After thinking about it for a while and observing when I do become unfocused, I find that it happens when I become frustrated with an aspect of playing (wrong notes, embouchure problems, etc.). This usually leads to these problems becoming worse until I snap back into a focused mode. There are times where I am completely aware of my playing and every aspect, but these moments are few. I hope to continue growing my awareness and focus while playing.
Self-compassion: Do I regularly beat up on myself emotionally for the things I don't feel I do well? do I include self-compassion exercises as a regular component of my practicing?
- I am particularly hard on myself when I don't feel I do well, especially with all things musical, including teaching. When I can't seem to play my clarinet the way I want to (which is most of the time), I feel a sense of loss. What can I do? Will I ever be good enough? There are times when I feel rewarded on my instrument. I felt a sense of satisfaction after my recital this past semester and making it into the Wind Ensemble this semester. I do need to practice more self-compassion in my practicing, realizing that as a musician I am always learning, always growing. It's ok to make mistakes.
Performance anxiety: do I want to perform closer to my potential when under pressure? Are my performance anxieties connected to worries about failure, distraction, physical symptoms? Do I suffer from "imposterism"? (I worry that I am the one faker in a room full of legitimate, "real" musicians.)
- Whenever I have to perform, I do feel pressure to play perfectly. I worry about failing, sounding badly, messing up. I do sometimes suffer from "imposterism." I worry that others don't think of me as a real musician. Many people make clear that they don't consider music education majors as serious and real musicians, because we are just going to teach. I want to be good so that others will think of me as a serious musician because I consider myself one. Just because I am not going to make a living off of my playing doesn't mean I don't consider myself a musician. I actually plan on furthering myself in conducting after a few years of teaching. I think to be a great conductor, one must be a great musician. I worry that others don't see this of me.
Numbing activities: Do I spend some time each day doing things to try and numb the painful parts of my life? What are those things? How much time do I spend each day doing these things? Are my attempts to numb successful at making my life better?
- I do spend time doing things to try and numb the stress in my life. I do this by just sitting and watching tv, aimlessly browsing the web, or just listening to my iTunes. The time I spend doing these things depends on how much free time I have to myself. There are times where I should be productive, but instead I just sit and numb myself, just because it's easier at the time. In the end, these numbing activities do nothing to better my life as I don't accomplish anything while doing them.
Practicing methodically/thoroughly: when practicing a difficult measure over and over again, when do I choose to move on? Fingers hurt? I am bored? My body had learned the passage? Feeling a sense of anxiety that my competitors will surpass me if I don't move on to something else?
- This is a problem for me. Sometimes I will practice a measure or section of music over and over to no avail. I myself don't know when I should just move on. This links back to the becoming unfocused during my practice. This is where I get stuck.
